Review of "Memoir of a Mangled Mind" by Steven Simmons Shelton

Score: 93+/100 (9.3+ out of 10)

Memoir of a Mangled Mind is a fascinating, disturbing, frustrating, and heartwrenching memoir by Steven Simmons Shelton, a lifelong sufferer of dissociative identity disorder (DID), formerly known as multiple personality disorder. As this book effetively demonstrates, this is a true beast and terror of a disorder that causes the sufferer to experience drastic and dramatic changes in personality accompanied by blackouts and amnesia.

Steven's alternate personalities (called "alters" throughout the book) are Wayne and Mark.

Wayne is a sex-obsessed, promiscuous alternate personality that partakes in highly risky sexual behavior, usually with other gay men he barely knows or who have given him a reason to trust. This activity is made worse by the emergence of AIDS and HIV on the world stage in the 80s—something that hangs like a sword over Steven's head throughout the book.

However, arguably Steven's most horrific and dangerous alternate personality is Mark, a hyperviolent, homicidal personality that is prone to explicit criminal activities ranging from robbing banks to outright maiming people.

While Mark is fearsome and dangerous, there's also something that seems very understandable and necessary about him. To make that point, we first have to say that this book is very painful and frustrating to read due to the horrific things that happen to Steven—often occuring in machine-gun-fashion without much reprieve. He is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused countless times in this book. These incidents are described in graphic and disturbing detail, so be warned.

With that said, that's also why Mark seems so necessary. Steven, who is often victimized (often in his "Wayne" persona), can seemingly call on Mark in the most desperate of circumstances. While Steven/Wayne gets abused, pushed around, and victimized, Mark turns the tables and often turns the victimizers into victims. He is strong, fierce, and protective.

This isn't the first time we've encountered an alter ego like this. In You Will Never Be Normal by Catherine Klatzker—another book about dissociative identity disorder with numerous similarities—Catherine (the author) had an alternate personality called "Cat." Cat was Catherine's "powerful, domineering personality who is ultra-protective, possessive, and controlling" as we described in our review of the book. Cat, like Mark in this book, was prone to thoughts, behaviors, and actions that were arguably criminal or evil. However, similar to Mark, Cat seemed necessary as a sort of defense mechanism for the sufferer's perilous circumstances.

In other words, Mark (like Cat) serves as both an antagonistic and protective force—a perpetrator and a guardian.

It's truly fascinating.

Unfortunately, for much of this book, we are forced to endure reading about Steven's constant abuse and exploitation, particularly as Wayne. Rape after rape. Abuse after abuse. Exploitation after exploitation. Poor decision after poor decision. It can truly be miserable and frustrating to read.

Reading about it was painful, frustrating, and miserable enough.
Could you imagine living this life?

A part of us thinks that some of these incidents (of rape and sexual assault) could probably have been cut from the final manuscript, not so much because of any prudish leaning, but because it does become a bit much—interrupting the flow and pacing of the narrative. There's also a point when it becomes redundant.

We keep having to read about Steven/Wayne going back to his own vomit (to make a fitting analogy), repeating the same mistakes and indiscretions over and over again. A few times would have been enough to make the point.

Another thing that's particularly disturbing, frustrating, and troubling about these descriptions of events is how much Wayne is described as enjoying some of these violations. There are times when he even seems complicit in them. Leading up to (or during) these incidents, we get passages like:

"I couldn't resist his requests"
"I’d got[ten] excited"
"How can I like what he's doing?"
"Steve, you’re lusting after your rapist. Just stop."

Time and time again, Steven says "I shouldn't" yet goes against any caution, seemingly learning nothing from past mistakes. This makes this book incredibly frustrating and aggravating to read. It's like reading about an overweight or obese person saying they shouldn't eat so much, then eating a box of jelly donuts every day.

At the same time, we commend the author for being authentic, genuine, brave, and courageous enough to share all of this. It takes an incredible amount of courage to share one's most embarrassing and shameful moments.

We get some chilling figures in these scenes including Tom the babysitter, Steven's step-dad, Mr. Jones, Danny & Billy, Lonnie, and—perhaps most frightening of all—Gary. Gary menaces Steven for a sizable portion of this book, leaving chopped-up hotdogs and a message: "Wait until I find you."

Thankfully, this book isn't all about Wayne being sexually exploited or Mark committing crimes because Steven—the author—proves to be an extraordinary and exceptional human being in so many regards.

It's a bit unfortunate that so much of his good deeds and accomplishments are lost in the mix of what Wayne and Mark do.

One of the reoccuring themes in this book is Steven being doubted yet proving everyone wrong.

For example, Steven succeeded at becoming one of the greatest tennis players in his region. "I became the first ever tennis player from our school to qualify for the state tournament. If someone
tells me I can’t do something, I’ll prove them wrong.”

He had a top score on the LSAT, getting into law school where his success continued despite numerous setbacks and heartbreaks.

Although this sadly gets overshadowed by his tumultuous relationship with Ethan, Steven achieves:

• The Law Review Award
• Top Moot Court Award
• Richard B. Gushee Writing Award

On top of that, he also graduated Summa Cum Laude!
WOW!

He proves to be extremely intelligent and brilliant, outshining even the intellect of some of his professors.

It's also fascinating to think that Steven spent nearly nine years in prison, practically willingly. It's kinda a missed opportunity that we don't learn much about his time in prison in this book, other than that he finally got the mental health help he sorely needed.

We also get glimpses of how good and great of a person Steven is deep down inside. For example, he adopts and saves numerous dogs throughout the book. Yes, he does it partly because he suffers from loneliness due to heartbreaks, but it's a beautiful deed nonetheless. For example, he saves a Labrador named Armand from being abused by his owner and adopts him into his family of Dobermans, Rufio and Dallas.

Check it out on Amazon!