Review of “Cooling the Flame” by Laura Urgell

Score: 93/100 (9.3 out of 10)

Cooling the Flame: Guiding Kids Through Anger is an efficient, effective, well-organized, and surprisingly personable how-to book by Laura Urgell! As the subtitle suggests, the book focuses on helping parents to guide their kids through negative feelings and emotions, many of which are brought on by encountering the problems and complexities of this world for the first time.

If there's anything we've learned from the numerous traumatic memoirs and autobiographies we've read, it's that childhood is one of the most important (if not THE most important) periods in a person's life. The things that happen in your childhood largely determine the kind of person you will be and the kind of life you can expect to have. We know that might sound pessimistic but, like we said, after reading this book and numerous others, it seems to ring true.

The childhood years are critical years in which children develop language, morality, ethics, and much more. It sets the foundation for the rest of a person's life.

One of the feelings/emotions that will definitely rear its ugly head in childhood is anger. Anger is one of the fundamental and most common human emotions. Yoda would probably tell you that you don't want it to turn into hate. Anger is typically a negative emotion but it needs to be understood that there's a lot we can learn from it and about it. Usually, anger doesn't just occur for no reason. In fact, there are usually very good reasons why a child becomes angry. Identifying, diagnosing, recognizing, and controlling their anger is key.

This is part of what the author describes as solving the “emotional mysteries” of a child and becoming a “emotion ninja.”

A lot of times, there are good reasons why children feel the way that they do. Maybe they're in a scary or unfamiliar situation. Maybe they're hurt or uncomfortable. Maybe they're responding to a threat (or perceived threat). So, getting rid of all anger isn't the goal, it's regulating it. The author calls this “emotional regulation.”

Hey, anger has its place. It can drive a person to physically accomplish something or to protect themselves or a loved one.

There are so many incredible techniques and methods described by Urgell in this book. What's ironic is that some of these methods and techniques are things that we do, even on a daily basis.

Perhaps the most familiar technique in this book is deep breathing. We actually read a whole book about this topic in Great Big Breath by DW Long.

Another emphasis in this book is setting a good example for children and being a positive role-model. Remember, children copy and mimic their parents and guardians. To them, we're like superheroes.

It's also important to set and keep appropriate expectations and make sure that your children know these expectations. Often times, children simply become upset because their own expectations are defied. Maybe they were expecting more scoops of ice cream or more play time.

Another thing that stood out to us in this book was the encouragement to validate your children's feelings. Sometimes, they just need to know that it's ok to be upset or angry sometimes and that you know why they're mad.

The key concept in this book seems to be STOP THINK ACT. A lot of times when we are angry, we act impulsively or in the spur of the moment, not even fully understanding why we're mad but acting on the feeling anyway. Often, we need to step back, stop, think about our feelings, and act appropriately. This is in contrast to just rushing in and being impulsive. So many lives would be saved and there may be less people in prison or juvenile detention halls if people would STOP and THINK before acting.

Check it out on Amazon!