Review of “Ultimatum” by Vladimir Fleurisma

Score: 86/100 (8.6 out of 10)

Ultimatum by Vladimir Fleurisma is a sci-fi, dystopia, post-apocalyptic novel that follows a group of rambunctious marines 50 years after an apocalyptic war. Though the first half of this book is incredibly slow-moving and reads more like an edgy romance or erotica, the second half of this book is much more action and adventure-oriented.

So, we don't mean to be rude, but... is this supposed to be a comedy? Is this supposed be like Shaun of the Dead? We ask this because—for a book that's supposed to be featuring mutated beasts, people suffering from a lack of natural resources, and a post-apocalyptic environment—it's incredibly unserious and, honestly, a bit goofy.

We thought this was going to be an action-packed book about a bunch of marines living in a post-apocalyptic world being menaced and constantly fighting off hordes of mutants and monsters. Well, in concept, that's what it was drawn up to be. And, yes, there's some of that, especially near the end of the book. However, the narrative seems A LOT more concerned with the sexual exploits, love-triangles, and personal feuds of the different marines, particularly the female ones.

So much of this book revolves around these women getting mad and going crazy over something and wanting to beat up the others, either out of spite, jealousy, malice, or any other reason a woman might want to beat up another woman. We were actually kinda shocked. We get that, maybe, that was supposed to be the author's way of developing these characters as having pet peeves, insecurities, and motivations, but that all came across as very unfocused. A lot of this seemed to lack focus.

It played out more like a bunch of immature teenagers who are still struggling to understand their hormones. Aren't these supposed to be battle-hardened adults? We get that even adults can be petty, but some of these characters acted like they were teenage cheerleaders and jocks in a stereotypical high school movie.

So much of this book consists of these characters wanting to have sex with another character (usually Cella, who is a candidate for “Hottest Character”), being fixated over their hairy, sweaty, odorous body-parts, or playing video games. Yes, video games. A large portion of the middle of this book is dedicated to a combat video game and its complicated button sequences.

Don't these characters have other things to do? Don't they have other things to think about? Don't they have other things to be worried about? Like, shouldn't they be worried about being irradiated or eaten by one of these zombified mutant creatures? Shouldn't they be concerned that their leaders and coalition might be leading them into a totalitarian New World Order? It's so hard to care about the plot or the characters when the characters themselves don't seem to care. They'd rather talk about their genitals, vibrators, lube, fruit juice flavors, and game controllers most of the time.

Is this a book about soldiers living through the apocalypse or a book about the nerdiest girl in school getting a makeover so she can get the starting quarterback to take her to prom? That's kinda the vibe we got from this. It's a book about a bunch of horny, immature idiots who happen to be the last of us.

Perhaps that's the point. What happens to humanity when the last people who can procreate and fight for our survival are superficial, jealous, spiteful, flaky, scatter-brained morons? That's where the Shaun of the Dead comparisons come in. Like Shaun of the Dead, maybe this book was never meant to be overly serious. It was meant to be funny, humorous, and entertaining.

And this book does have some bright spots. First of all, Cella is usually pleasant to read about. D, who is supposed to be the main protagonist, is at least somewhat down-to-earth and usually acts as the voice of reason when Jade, Sabrina, Rita, Cella, Zach, Hank, Rick, and Colt engage in shenanigans.

Perhaps the best dynamic in the entire book is between D and Jamie, a particularly strong woman. It is implied that Jamie may actually be trans. In any case, there's history between D and Jamie as former track rivals at the academy. Both were among the fastest sprinters in the academy. They went back and forth setting and breaking the record, which was very controversial.

Another great part of this book are the monsters themselves, the “Uglies” who stand between 9-11 feet tall (with alphas being as tall as a T-Rex). There's also a clever, sci-fi explanation for their existence which we appreciated.

The world-building in this book is decent. In fact, this world doesn't seem like Earth at all. It's like an alien planet—an alien planet full of perpetually-horny idiots who are supposed to be disciplined soldiers. The humor can also be quite funny. Our favorite line in this book (which somewhat personifies the whole thing) is:

“They're eating people and throwing them at other people.”

The reason why this line personifies this book is because it takes a dark, violent, and gruesome thing (mutants attacking people) and makes light of it by virtue of how its framed and worded.

Another funny line is: “Kellen, I'm going to count to three, then you're going to stop being a pussy...”

A third funny part is when a soldier accidentally gets ten of his comrades killed and another impaled in the leg with rebar, only to be told, “Dammit, Dom. Don't do that again” as if all he did was pay his credit card bill two days late.

It has the tone and vibe of a Seth Rogan movie.

If you want a funny, entertaining dystopian book about a bunch of intergender soldiers and their shenanigans on a dying planet, check it out on Amazon!